The Modern Gentleman’s Guide to Going in Through the Back Door

The Modern Gentleman’s Guide to Going in Through the Back Door

August 10, 2014

Maybe you’ve heard that everyone’s skipping the front door these days and going around back. You might be wondering: Am I allowed to use the back door? Julieanne Smolinski has some advice on how to get invited inside—and what to do if someone knocks on your back door, too

Whether you read about it, heard it whispered around a campfire, or experienced it firsthand, surely you’ve gotten the news that butt stuff is in.

If you’re behind (sorry), let’s catch you up. A lot can fall under the umbrella of “butt stuff”: fingers, penises, tongues, toys—in your place or hers. All of this was once reserved for birthday sex, but now it’s barely taboo. Which is great, because butt play is lots of fun and one of the few kinks you can try without using Craigslist.

If you already have your Ph.D. in the butt sciences, you’re dismissed. Otherwise: Why aren’t you all up in there?

You know you’ve wondered what it’s like on the dark side of the moon. But you have…concerns. Let’s work through those.


Concern No. 1: You’re intimidated
Maybe you’re peachy with just good ol’ traditional-style sex. That’s fine! Some people have never been to Missouri. But might you not, hypothetically, enjoy a Mark Twain walking tour, or having your penis enveloped by the tight grip of a beautiful woman’s ass? Or having your male G-spot—situated just inside your sphincter—given a gentle nudge, pushing your orgasm into “I SEE GOD!” territory?

If you’re in a relationship, it can be an exciting new thing to trot out. If you’re single, though, it can seem like an extreme request. It’s not. Women who enjoy butt play during casual sex will probably tell you, loudly, over the roar of “Immigrant Song.” Kidding! Slightly. Women who like anal are normal, and they are everywhere. You just have to ask.

If your problem is one of propriety, worry not. It’s 2014; most women aren’t going to clutch their bonnets and run screaming if you ask for something (politely!) in bed. If she doesn’t want to do crack with you, she’ll say “No thanks,” and the world will continue to spin on its majestic axis.

Alternatively, you can nonverbally imply that you’d like to explore the general area, and see how she responds. Maybe drift south while going down on her, or move her hands toward your ass-end and see if she responds positively. We’re talking enthusiastic “Yes, yes, yes!” levels of consent. That’s a green light to see if she’d like to go further, via sacking up and telling her what you’d like to do to her or that you think it’d be pretty grand if she’d reciprocate in kind.

Just promise that you will never try to sneak in the back door. Promise.

Concern No. 3: You think the ass is dirty
It can be. It’s an ass, and you know its primary directive. But let’s be real: All sex is a little disgusting.

This is why a bit of thoughtful preparation is key. Or to put it in sports terms you can more readily digest, your best ass defense is a good ass offense. Shower well. Also, don’t take out a girl for, say, a veal parm dinner, then later on go for the bronze. You and a plate of breadstuffs cannot comfortably fit inside someone else.

Concern No. 4: You think it’s gay
There are gay men who don’t like anything put inside them. There are straight men who do. These are cold, hard ass facts.

The only thing that makes you gay is being attracted to men. The male asshole is a biological source of sensation regardless of your sexual preference. If a woman thinks you’re gay for indulging in that pleasure, dump her and move on. Bigots are generally terrible in bed.

JULIEANNE SMOLINSKI is a Los Angeles-based TV writer who tweets under the wildly mature name @BoobsRadley.